My Precious Son

11-4-14

Hello my precious son,

 

We are going through another transition my love. But please believe anything & everything I do is to give you a better life. To make sure you have a wonderful childhood. I apologize in advance for the times I make you upset and all the mistakes I make.

 

My promise to you is all my doings will always be with the best intentions.

 

You and your sister are what matters the most.

 

I want to be a parent that encourages you to strive for the best and stay the best possible human being you can be. Stay strong and continue to chase no not chase but to live, live your dreams my hero.

 

You are my Angel in every sense of the word before you became my light my world was full of darkness. You taught me how to love, how to live and be a kid again.

 

I live through you and will continue my goal to make you a happy, extraordinary, young man. 

 

Love mama....

My thoughts on depression

Thoughts on depression

 

Depression is similar to that suffocating feeling being stuck at the bottom of a hole & seeing a light on top. You know that saying? The light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah almost like that except in a tunnel you can easily walk from one end to another. At the bottom of this hole you have to struggle to get to the top. You have to use all of your strength mentally and physically by using your arms and legs in order to see that light. This is what I call them an episode....it usually lasts about two to three days for me. But it takes a toll on me and especially my babies.

 

I sit in a mental dark space. I don't want to play, I don't want to talk I just want to lay there and stare at nothing because that's what I'm feeling...nothing. On occasion my brain will tell my heart it's just a few days Tracy then you'll be back to normal in no time.

Meanwhile it's my Little ones who have no idea what's happening.

 

Why are you so upset mommy? Because something so small as cooking dinner seems like a huge task and almost impossible to get through. So the kitchen stays dirty and the laundry remains undone.

 

Day 1 "Angel please can we just be quiet for a little while?" "Ok mommy I'm sorry."

 

While I begin to hate myself standing over a hot stove, tears streaming down my face trying my hardest to keep calm all while making an effort to pull myself out of darkness. Climbing & gnawing on the side of each wall digging out of the hole.  So I can get through this bullshit as soon as possible. But I'm not even halfway there.

 

Day 2 Angel why don't you get on the iPad for a little while until it's time to eat?" Ok mommy!

 

I could see my babies across the room. My heart wants to play, hug and kiss them but I'm emotionally paralyzed and can't move. Just one more day I think to myself...have to fight through this. 

 

My heart breaks they don't deserve a mom like me, they deserve better.

 

Day 3 the feelings are coming back to life & I'm starting to feel normal again. But the guilt is still there. So I Try my hardest to make it up to them. Because my heart when it's working properly belongs to them. Every day I fight this, every day I wake up & choose to live a productive life because of them.

 

Day 4 Finally in a much better mood.

 

But I can't help to think what if? What if one day an episode doesn't end? What if my feelings never get back to normal? What if I just decide one day to give up? What if I get tired of fighting my depression like my dad did? He just gave up made peace with God and was ready for Heaven despite his children, despite his grandchildren, despite how many people loved him. When I'm depressed I can be surrounded by so much love yet still feel alone in a mental prison. I'm terrified that one day something may push me over the edge making it impossible to be normal again.

To My First Love

To my first love

 

First Page Journal 10-14-14

 

My precious Angel...my first born your inquisitive mind is always exploring & learning everything possible there is for you to grasp about school, life, animals, family and this is what makes you so unique and special to me. I will try my best to protect you from this cruel world but I will also make sure you are well prepared for what's in store. The sky is the limit for you my prince & my love has no end.

 

So your father died, right? Yes baby he died. Is he with God then? Yes my love your right he's in heaven with God.  But you know he's not just my father, he is your grandpa too. Yes I know. But then what about the other grandpa that's with Nana? He's your grandpa too. You're so special God gave you three grandpas. Ooooo (with a confused look on his face). Lol.

 

Depression is Real

 

I felt like I was on slow motion in the middle of a fast forward movie. Everyone passing me at full speed sitting around smiling trying to engage in small talk with family members & my attention span was at an all time low.

 

 Listening to the first two or three words then drifting into deep thought trying to avoid looking at the casket where my father's body laid to rest attempting to re-call my first memory with my father. All I could come up with "why is this person talking to me about stupid shit?" & I hadn't spoken to my dad for an about a year before his death. I knew nothing about him & it all just felt so strange to me.  I spent a majority of my life feeling so much anger towards him & at that very moment how I wish things could have been different.

 

My father let depression get the best of him. People have been telling me my whole life how much I'm just like my father if only they knew how true that statement reaches me to the core. To look at photos of him during his last days I could see the pain in his face. It's not the father I knew in those photos. The handsome man women threw themselves at when I was younger. He just stopped. He refused medication, avoided help, wouldn't answer any calls & he just didn't want to live.

 

Somehow I can't help but feel that I contributed to his depression eventually leading to his death. Depression is real. It is a disease & may not be controllable as some people may think it is.

JUDGE FREE ZONE.