A little something I had to get off my chest....

Just calmed myself from having a panic attack again for some reason I feel the walls are closing in on me and the twenty pound weights on my shoulders are making it harder for me to keep my head clear. The beautiful face of my loving aunt is the only thing that pops into my head. Oh how I miss you titi being so young and ignorant at the time, never in a million years did I think I would have ever been someone personally affected by losing a family member to AIDS. Your thin frail frame was so completely different then when I was a kid, you had the perfect hour shaped glass bod and everywhere you went men drooled over you. Your presence exuded sex it didn't matter what you were doing it was either the rolling eyes of jealous women you walked by or the puppy dog eyes from the desperate men trying to get your attention. The self rewinding tape in my brain consistently repeats the last conversation of you having with a friend, Tony from N/A who came to visit you in the hospital I remember being squeezed in your bed laying down next to you chit chatting and cracking jokes making fun of your one and only daughter and her choice in men and I laughed when you commended me in telling me how smart I was choosing to stay single. Tony going down the list of drug user friends who also happen to be a few of your exes. "And so how's Michael did you ever hear from him again?" "Nooo I heard he's back to using, bendito someone told they saw him down by Lafayette park sleeping on a bench." And what about that other charity case you dated, Hector?" All three of us laughed at Tony's charity case comment. "Ay Hector died man!" "Really get out I didn't know that." "Yeah about five or six months ago. I think he's the one that got me sick." "Really wow woman that is crazy the life we lived man you just don't know who to pin point this shit too." "So what's up how are you feeling?" "Ah man you know I"m just tired Tony, I'm tired of fighting I just want to die already. I'm ready to go, I've made my peace and I'm ready to just die. I could feel my throat just becoming swollen and my body just tensing up because everything inside me wanted to hold you so tight and beg you to stop speaking this way. I couldn't understand why you would say something like that. This was the first time I had ever experienced death with someone so close to my heart and I just didn't know how to react. Every time I walked into that hospital I pretended to not see what was actually happening right in front of my eyes and it never occurred to me not once did I ever really ask you how you were feeling. And those words you said to Tony just took me over the edge although I pretended like I didn't  hear the conversation that just went on, I tried to get up as quickly as I could & run into the bathroom without making a scene and avoid anyone noticing how upset I was. The tears just came streaming down my face. I never said anything to you and the pain, the guilt and the regret weighs on my mind and my heart daily. Although I was around during your last days I felt we never had a real conversation about how you were feeling or even what led you to that point. We talked about bullshit things, places or even people that didn't matter maybe just maybe we were trying to ignore what was really happening around us. Everything just stays inside my mind....