My thoughts on depression

Thoughts on depression

 

Depression is similar to that suffocating feeling being stuck at the bottom of a hole & seeing a light on top. You know that saying? The light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah almost like that except in a tunnel you can easily walk from one end to another. At the bottom of this hole you have to struggle to get to the top. You have to use all of your strength mentally and physically by using your arms and legs in order to see that light. This is what I call them an episode....it usually lasts about two to three days for me. But it takes a toll on me and especially my babies.

 

I sit in a mental dark space. I don't want to play, I don't want to talk I just want to lay there and stare at nothing because that's what I'm feeling...nothing. On occasion my brain will tell my heart it's just a few days Tracy then you'll be back to normal in no time.

Meanwhile it's my Little ones who have no idea what's happening.

 

Why are you so upset mommy? Because something so small as cooking dinner seems like a huge task and almost impossible to get through. So the kitchen stays dirty and the laundry remains undone.

 

Day 1 "Angel please can we just be quiet for a little while?" "Ok mommy I'm sorry."

 

While I begin to hate myself standing over a hot stove, tears streaming down my face trying my hardest to keep calm all while making an effort to pull myself out of darkness. Climbing & gnawing on the side of each wall digging out of the hole.  So I can get through this bullshit as soon as possible. But I'm not even halfway there.

 

Day 2 Angel why don't you get on the iPad for a little while until it's time to eat?" Ok mommy!

 

I could see my babies across the room. My heart wants to play, hug and kiss them but I'm emotionally paralyzed and can't move. Just one more day I think to myself...have to fight through this. 

 

My heart breaks they don't deserve a mom like me, they deserve better.

 

Day 3 the feelings are coming back to life & I'm starting to feel normal again. But the guilt is still there. So I Try my hardest to make it up to them. Because my heart when it's working properly belongs to them. Every day I fight this, every day I wake up & choose to live a productive life because of them.

 

Day 4 Finally in a much better mood.

 

But I can't help to think what if? What if one day an episode doesn't end? What if my feelings never get back to normal? What if I just decide one day to give up? What if I get tired of fighting my depression like my dad did? He just gave up made peace with God and was ready for Heaven despite his children, despite his grandchildren, despite how many people loved him. When I'm depressed I can be surrounded by so much love yet still feel alone in a mental prison. I'm terrified that one day something may push me over the edge making it impossible to be normal again.