Because this is how I deal

It may sound disgusting to say this out loud but I am done with that part of my life! I can’t go back to that life, I refuse to go back to that life, I tried so hard not to go back to that life, I so don’t want to fucking go back to that life…..Ah!!!!! My husband the peace maker “just reach out to him and tell him no matter what happened in the past you still love him.” But would I be lying? Breaks my heart to hear he’s sick, it breaks my heart that he doesn’t care if he lives or dies and it breaks my heart that he feels so alone. There is a wall that prevents me from thinking about it longer than ten minutes then boom automatic pilot block out kicks in. But this poison of pain has been running through my veins long enough and I don’t know what to do or where to turn anymore. People can continue to tell me to pick up the phone until they are blue in the face, all I’ll do is flat out lie and say OK I’ll call, even say I tried and no one answered. But the truth is I never even attempted to try. Why the fuck should I call? He never bothered to pick up the phone to call me. Unfortunately…. right now is not that time to think about what I’m feeling. He’s sick and I feel mentally and physically he is paying for all his mistakes. I’m still sooo angry he chose women and drugs before my sister and I. Even when he wasn’t getting high anymore he never tried to have a relationship with us. I tried too many times only to end up hurt again and again and again. But those are the cards we were dealt with. God blessed us with a strong mom who was able to instill her strength in us and blessed us with great fathers for our children. Once I found my husband I felt I didn’t need any more disappointments from him or felt the need to have a relationship with him. I was ready to move forward with my life. I thought I have a family now that I love and loves me dearly and I was OK with that until now. But with all this happening things just aren’t so clear anymore. Life can throw so many curve balls at you. So wishing back and turn back time. I loved him so much as a little girl. I never saw any wrong in him. Even when he wouldn’t show up for court appointed weekend visits or sometimes he would show up at one in the morning on a Friday night to pick us up and take us home in the freezing cold. I’ve lost that positive energy within myself and I can't seem to get it back. How do you pick yourself up and keep moving from something like this? I look at these two little precious beings in my life who depend on me and one thing I know for sure is "I will always do my best to protect and never fail them....