Because this is how I deal

It may sound disgusting to say this out loud but I am done with that part of my life! I can’t go back to that life, I refuse to go back to that life, I tried so hard not to go back to that life, I so don’t want to fucking go back to that life…..Ah!!!!! My husband the peace maker “just reach out to him and tell him no matter what happened in the past you still love him.” But would I be lying? Breaks my heart to hear he’s sick, it breaks my heart that he doesn’t care if he lives or dies and it breaks my heart that he feels so alone. There is a wall that prevents me from thinking about it longer than ten minutes then boom automatic pilot block out kicks in. But this poison of pain has been running through my veins long enough and I don’t know what to do or where to turn anymore. People can continue to tell me to pick up the phone until they are blue in the face, all I’ll do is flat out lie and say OK I’ll call, even say I tried and no one answered. But the truth is I never even attempted to try. Why the fuck should I call? He never bothered to pick up the phone to call me. Unfortunately…. right now is not that time to think about what I’m feeling. He’s sick and I feel mentally and physically he is paying for all his mistakes. I’m still sooo angry he chose women and drugs before my sister and I. Even when he wasn’t getting high anymore he never tried to have a relationship with us. I tried too many times only to end up hurt again and again and again. But those are the cards we were dealt with. God blessed us with a strong mom who was able to instill her strength in us and blessed us with great fathers for our children. Once I found my husband I felt I didn’t need any more disappointments from him or felt the need to have a relationship with him. I was ready to move forward with my life. I thought I have a family now that I love and loves me dearly and I was OK with that until now. But with all this happening things just aren’t so clear anymore. Life can throw so many curve balls at you. So wishing back and turn back time. I loved him so much as a little girl. I never saw any wrong in him. Even when he wouldn’t show up for court appointed weekend visits or sometimes he would show up at one in the morning on a Friday night to pick us up and take us home in the freezing cold. I’ve lost that positive energy within myself and I can't seem to get it back. How do you pick yourself up and keep moving from something like this? I look at these two little precious beings in my life who depend on me and one thing I know for sure is "I will always do my best to protect and never fail them....

A little something I had to get off my chest....

Just calmed myself from having a panic attack again for some reason I feel the walls are closing in on me and the twenty pound weights on my shoulders are making it harder for me to keep my head clear. The beautiful face of my loving aunt is the only thing that pops into my head. Oh how I miss you titi being so young and ignorant at the time, never in a million years did I think I would have ever been someone personally affected by losing a family member to AIDS. Your thin frail frame was so completely different then when I was a kid, you had the perfect hour shaped glass bod and everywhere you went men drooled over you. Your presence exuded sex it didn't matter what you were doing it was either the rolling eyes of jealous women you walked by or the puppy dog eyes from the desperate men trying to get your attention. The self rewinding tape in my brain consistently repeats the last conversation of you having with a friend, Tony from N/A who came to visit you in the hospital I remember being squeezed in your bed laying down next to you chit chatting and cracking jokes making fun of your one and only daughter and her choice in men and I laughed when you commended me in telling me how smart I was choosing to stay single. Tony going down the list of drug user friends who also happen to be a few of your exes. "And so how's Michael did you ever hear from him again?" "Nooo I heard he's back to using, bendito someone told they saw him down by Lafayette park sleeping on a bench." And what about that other charity case you dated, Hector?" All three of us laughed at Tony's charity case comment. "Ay Hector died man!" "Really get out I didn't know that." "Yeah about five or six months ago. I think he's the one that got me sick." "Really wow woman that is crazy the life we lived man you just don't know who to pin point this shit too." "So what's up how are you feeling?" "Ah man you know I"m just tired Tony, I'm tired of fighting I just want to die already. I'm ready to go, I've made my peace and I'm ready to just die. I could feel my throat just becoming swollen and my body just tensing up because everything inside me wanted to hold you so tight and beg you to stop speaking this way. I couldn't understand why you would say something like that. This was the first time I had ever experienced death with someone so close to my heart and I just didn't know how to react. Every time I walked into that hospital I pretended to not see what was actually happening right in front of my eyes and it never occurred to me not once did I ever really ask you how you were feeling. And those words you said to Tony just took me over the edge although I pretended like I didn't  hear the conversation that just went on, I tried to get up as quickly as I could & run into the bathroom without making a scene and avoid anyone noticing how upset I was. The tears just came streaming down my face. I never said anything to you and the pain, the guilt and the regret weighs on my mind and my heart daily. Although I was around during your last days I felt we never had a real conversation about how you were feeling or even what led you to that point. We talked about bullshit things, places or even people that didn't matter maybe just maybe we were trying to ignore what was really happening around us. Everything just stays inside my mind....